Capetonian panpipe-maker disappears up own backside
The wife of a Cape Town poet and panpipe-maker is in shock after seeing him disappear up his own rectum early this morning. According to Jade Flange-LeToit her husband Kyle-Rain had "always been a bit up his own bum", but she said that she was fearing the worst as he had been working on a series of sonnets called Moonblossom and might have gone in too far.

Rajbansi’s hair to contest 2009 general election
After months of silence Minority Front leader Amichand Rajbansi has admitted that his famous hair has decided to break away and contest the 2009 general election as an independent candidate. Analysts say the move will probably signal the end of Rajbansi's political career as his hair was his most famous asset and was also rumoured to have formulated many of his polices.


Cosas defends Zuma march, calls for voting age to be lowered to 7 - The Congress of South African Students has defended last week's action in which it forced schoolchildren to leave their classes and march in support of Jacob Zuma, saying that education was no longer a necessity in South Africa. "Many of us don't have a secondary education," said a spokesman, "and it hasn't hurt our chances of getting high-paying jobs in Government."

Saudi Arabia to put human in space, will first test on woman, chimp - Saudi Arabia says it intends to put a woman in space within five years and a human being within ten. According to a spokesman for the kingdom's newly formed space agency, tests are already underway in the Mysteries of Space-Sorcery laboratory in Riyadh. "Safety is our key concern," he said. "Hence we are testing on women, then dogs, and then chimps, in that order."

Refugee centres to be kept open to help close them to open them for closure - The South African government has outlined its plan for the refugee camps that were erected around the country after xenophobic attacks earlier this year. According to a spokesman, all camps that are currently open, or not closed, will be kept open, except the ones that are closed, and these will be opened until they are closed in order to open the closed camps, or vice versa.

King Goodwill Zwelithini disappointed not to be king of more stuff - Zulu monarch King Goodwill Zwelithini says he has become frustrated by not being allowed to condemn criminals to be eaten by hyenas, and has realised that being king of the Zulu nation is "not all that". According to court insiders King Zwelithini has become increasingly aware of his limitations after trying and failing to invade the Eastern Cape earlier this year.

Team USA denies swimmer fish-farm after Flipper Phelps blunder - The record-breaking achievements of American swimmers in Beijing are being reassessed after shocking evidence emerged today of baby swimmers being mass-produced in fish-farm conditions in the United States. The inhumane practice came to light after journalists secretly observed superstar swimmer Michael Phelps being fed liquidised raw herring through a tube.

Bitter and disillusioned Liewe Heksie packing for Perth - They call her Liewe Heksie but Lavinia is her name. She's the cleverest witch she knows, and she's even been to the moon. But for Liewe Heksie, 56, these words ring hollow. "It sounded much better in Afrikaans," she says. "Now everything is in English or Xhosa." Middle-aged, bitter and disillusioned with the new South Africa, Heksie is emigrating to Australia.

SA Olympics boss rues sending ornithologists to Beijing games - South Africa's Olympic Committee has apologised for the country's appalling showing at the Beijing games, but says it is hopeful that it has identified the root of the problem. In a statement released this morning the committee said that it was "looking increasingly likely" that it had accidentally sent a team of ornithologists instead of athletes to Beijing.

ANC vindicated as CIA admits to controlling Scorpions, inventing Aids - The U.S.'s Central Intelligence Agency has admitted to allegations levelled against it by ANC supporters in KwaZulu-Natal, conceding that it is controlling the Scorpions crime-busting unit and that it invented Aids. It added that it had been "totally outwitted" by the ANC cadres who made the allegations at public hearings over the fate of the Scorpions.

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