Hayibo.com - Eskom softens on 34% increase but wants first-born children

Eskom softens on 34% increase but wants first-born children

PRETORIA. South African power company Eskom says it is willing to lower its proposed tariff hike from 34 percent to 33 percent, but says in return for the compromise it wants the country's first-born children. Meanwhile it has admitted that budget cuts have forced it to use "new but slightly less effective" generating technologies, such as rubbing two cats on a carpet.

Economists have warned that a 34 percent increase in the price of electricity could force millions of South Africans to resort to desperate survival tactics, such as selling the televisions in the bedroom and toilet, switching off the pool filter pump in winter, and resetting the lawn lasers from 'kill' to 'singe'.

However, Eskom says it has heard the pleas of South Africans over the clink and rustle of its money being counted into huge piles, and is willing to compromise.

"We cannot go lower than 33 percent," explained spokesman Zaps Zodwa, adding that a lower figure would force Eskom management to stop misting up showroom windows and start generating electricity.

"And that's not really a scenario we can tolerate," he said.

However, he said, 33 percent increase would only be acceptable if it came with a show of good will from the South African public combined with a meaningful investment in future labour capacity.

"That's why we'll need your first-born children," said Zodwa. "All of them. Boys and girls. Doesn't matter. We are equal-opportunity employers, and girls can crank turbines and dig coal for R10 a week just as well as boys."

He said special bins would be provided at all Eskom power plants where parents could deposit their first baby.

Meanwhile Eskom has admitted that the global financial crisis has forced it to generate electricity by rubbing two cats on a carpet.

"Yes, they're called Tiddles and Wendy," said Zodwa. "They're lovely cats, if partially bald on the side where we rub them on the Megawatt Carpet."

He said depending on how co-operative Tiddles and Wendy were they could generate up to 9 watts a day.

"Sometimes less if they've got out in the night and come back all matted with fish juice and strawberry jam," said Zodwa.

But, he said, Eskom's scientists were already working on more efficient low-cost generating schemes.

He said Project Snap Crackle Pop was already in the testing stage.

"The science is very complicated but basically we put fifty or sixty homeless people up on the roof, holding wire coat-hangers over their heads, and then we wait for a thunderstorm."