Hayibo.com - Heroic Bafana and successful Confed Cup leave racists frightened, confused

Heroic Bafana and successful Confed Cup leave racists frightened, confused

PRETORIA. Racists and pessimists across South Africa say they will now have to consider emigrating, after the national football team gave a heroic showing in the Confederations Cup and the tournament went off smoothly. "A good soccer team, slick administration: I just don't recognize this country any more," sobbed one unnamed source.

Complaining while shrugging has been a growth industry in South Africa since 1994, with expert complainer-shruggers sometimes earning up to seven or eight self-righteous nods per month from people standing behind them in the Woolworths queue also buying You Magazine.

Most industry leaders agree that fundamental to being a successful pessimist is a firm belief that "it wasn't perfect then but at least things worked" while refusing to concede that some of the things that worked included the Group Areas Act and electrodes attached to genitalia.

But this morning a spokesman for the country's racists and pessimists said that they were now seriously considering leaving South Africa. He asked to remain anonymous, but added that some of his best friends were black and that they called him "Jy Wena".

"So if you must call me something, perhaps call me Jy Wena. Or Mr Wena. I think it's African for Good Fellow or Fine Man, or perhaps Boss."

"Look, certain things are fundamental to our belief system," said Wena. "Obviously number one is that the blacks break whatever they touch, but also that our national football team is rubbish and that the 2010 World Cup will be a crime against humanity.

"So who were these footballers that almost beat Spain and held Brazil right until the end? Where was the stadium collapse? Where was the stampede and the crushed fans?

"It's very upsetting and it's forced a lot of us to rethink why we're still here."

Asked why he and his colleagues were still in South Africa and had not emigrated to the United Kingdom and Australia, Wena explained that they had refused to leave because "we'd rather be miserable with likeminded people than content with strangers".

"For years we hung on to prove how crap this country is," he said. "We thought that if we toughed it out, and complained loudly enough for long enough, Britain would send a gunboat.

"But we don't think that's going to happen now."

Meanwhile he said that he had also received disturbing reports of increasing racism amongst blacks.

"Shame, they're still calling it 'xenophobia' because they're still in the denial phase we were in back in the 70s," said Wena.

He said he was not sure if it was racist for a white person to accuse blacks of racism, but thought it probably was.

"They just mustn't come in here and start throwing their weight around, pretending that they've always been racists," he said. "That makes me so cross I could scream. Somebody should flipping write a letter."