Hayibo.com - Bok coach reveals he is robot sent from the past to save SA men

Bok coach reveals he is robot sent from the past to save SA men

JOHANNESBURG. Embattled Springbok coach Peter De Villiers, the country's most inarticulate person, says that he is actually a robot sent forward into the future from the late 1970s to save South African manhood from intellectuals and ballet dancers. He also explained that his "I am what I am" statement was made while channeling the spirit of Welsh diva Shirley Bassey.

De Villiers has made increasingly peculiar statements over the last few months, and after running them through word-recognition software, linguists believe that some of them involve racism, excuses for foul play, implied homophobia and wildly random metaphors apparently plucked from Hallmark greeting cards.

However, at a press conference in the Doc Danie Craven Memorial Replica Ox-Wagon, De Villiers explained that his eccentric behaviour was caused by his programming, and that he was a robot sent from the past to save South African manhood.

"I was beamed forward from 1978," wheezed De Villiers. "They said, 'Peter, go make a omelet and break some eggs because you has to be in it to win it', and I thought, 'A bird in the head is worth one in your eye', and so I took the mission, you see, and they put me in the machine, and here I am."

He explained that his obsession with race was a by-product of being a robot assembled at the height of Apartheid.

However, he said that his latest derogatory remarks about ballet dancers being soft were part of his mission software.

"I am here to save South African men from the moffies," he explained. "Once they knew who they were. They were tough, scared of gay men, hated everything they didn't understand – including ballet and the clitoris – and were pretty much unable to have a conversation about anything.

"And then they got all soft," he said. "Because the moffies put something in the water, and suddenly if you eye-gouge someone it's a big freaking deal.

"It's pathetic. Where I come from, in 1978, we eye-gouge four people before breakfast, and then we pick up the eyes, dust them off, and eat them for breakfast."

Asked about his "I am what I am" statement, De Villiers said that a programming glitch allowed him to channel Shirley Bassey.

"She sings kak lekker songs, that Surly Basset," he said.

Meanwhile, South African Rugby has tried to play down the coach's statements, saying that an internal memo was circulated asking staff to refrain from referring to De Villiers as "retarded" and instead using the phrase "mentally challenged".

"When you think about it, Peter actually represents the success of transformation," said a spokesman.

"Once, in the bad old days, aggressively stupid statements, handlebar moustaches and implied homophobia were the preserve of white people. That today we have a black man espousing those values really speaks volumes for how far we've come as a nation."