Hayibo.com - Wonka says no as Kraft and Cadbury's merge

Wonka says no as Kraft and Cadbury's merge

BIRMINGHAM. Legendary chocolatier Willy Wonka says he is unconcerned by this week's merger of Krafts and Cadbury's, which has seen the creation of the biggest chocolate producing company in the world. "No matter what they do, we still have the Oompa-Loompas," Mr Wonka said this morning.

Kraft initially offered to buy Wonka's chocolate factory outright but the veteran chocolate maker rebuffed all approaches confirming that Mr Charlie Bucket would assume ownership of the plant as per the terms of a long-term arrangement.

Kraft spokesperson Augustus Gloop confirmed that Wonka's company had been their primary acquisition target due to the stunning innovations that were still being pioneered there.

"Cadbury's have Milk Tray but Wonka has hot ice cream for cold days, invisible chocolate bars for eating at school and lickable wallpaper for sticky interior designers," he said.

Gloop said a recent downturn in sales of Wonka Bars had not deterred Kraft in their efforts to purchase the factory.

The normally reclusive Wonka confirmed his sales had dropped dramatically in recent years, but added that he welcomed the competition that would be brought about my the merger of his two biggest rivals.

Asked why his market share had dipped in recent years, Wonka blamed it on a number of factors.

"Johnny Depp's decision to play me as a Michael Jackson type kiddy-fiddler in 2005's unofficial biopic certainly didn't help," he said.

He added that people had also started asking questions about his midget labour force, the Oompa-Loompas.

"At the same time it became politically incorrect to employ child slaves to make running shoes, people started to ask me why my employees were permanently locked inside the factory.

"Sometimes even the sweet taste of a Wonka Bar melting in the mouth is not enough to silence the conscience of a consumer activist," he said.

But Wonka said he was adamant that despite the criticism, Oompa-Loompas would continue to work for him because they made the best chocolate.

"A few of them might make it on the midget bowling circuit and one or two might get roles in Mike Myers films, but they would never survive outside the chocolate factory," he said, before breaking into song.

"If you're not spoiled then you will go far, and you will live in happiness too, like the Oompa-Loompa doompadee do."