Hayibo.com - Zuma love child: Zille denies she has also fathered 20 kids

Zuma love child: Zille denies she has also fathered 20 kids

CAPE TOWN. As it becomes likely that President Jacob Zuma will have a shotgun wedding within weeks, opposition leader Helen Zille has vehemently denied that she has also fathered up to 20 children with female DA interns. Meanwhile Christian parties continue to giggle uncontrollably whenever "the s-word" is mentioned.

According to the Sunday Times, Zuma is set to marry the mother of his 20th child, making her his fourth current wife. Insiders suggest that Mrs Zuma IV's official role as Fourth Lady will be to fight gender discrimination and the objectification of women.

However, insiders also revealed this morning that the wedding will take place sooner than expected after Zuma reportedly had 14 buckshot pellets removed from his buttocks over the weekend.

The father of the bride, a local soccer tycoon with a penchant for suing satire websites who mention his name, denied responsibility for the shooting, but was later seen cleaning an elephant-gun while singing 'Awlethu m'shotgun wam'.

Meanwhile the Democratic Alliance has been shaken to its tiny core by allegations of fornication leveled at leader Helen Zille.

According to a number of female Democratic Alliance interns, Zille has fathered up to 20 children in the last three years.

Mary Smith (not her real name, which is Bethany Jenkins of Perth Road, Tokai) said that Zille had been "totally irresistible".

"I was just 19. Helen was somewhere between 40 and 65, depending on when she'd last had Botox," sobbed Smith. "She was so…sexy. Like your first horse-riding instructor, back before Mum and Dad immigrated to New Zealand and life still made sense."

Jane Doe (Chrizelda LeRoux of Manifest Destiny Lane, Durbanville) agreed.

"I was so turned on by her compelling mix of rage and schoolmarmish whininess," she said. "It was like being back in the hockey change-rooms in Standard 7 at Papsak Heights Christian Preparatory – the happiest time of my life."

But, said the interns, their lives had been turned upside down when they fell pregnant and Zille refused to accept paternity.

"She can make you pregnant just by looking at you," said Doe. "She'll look up and shout something like, 'Get me the lyrics to one of those shitty Klopse songs the coloureds sing, I want to go and win an election on the Cape Flats!', and bang, you've got a little DA bun in the oven."

Zille has denied the allegations and says she will use her laser-eyeballs to incinerate anyone who pursues the matter.

Parties with strong Christian leanings have condemned both Zuma and Zille, saying that while God had not yet struck anyone down in the 3,000 years since promising to do so, it was likely to happen "any time now".

According to African Christian Democratic Party spokesman Rapture Mpande, fornication between two consenting adults was a "disgusting, degrading, foul, animalistic abomination" and should be stopped.

When asked if fornication was the same as sex, Mr Mpande was overcome with blushing and giggles, and the press conference had to be halted.