November 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 47
Zimbabwe to build Six Million Dollar Man, will use twigs and cow dung
HARARE. Zimbabwean scientists have announced that they are building a bionic man at a cost of Z$6 million. The man, a former test pilot saved by surgeons after being severely beaten by riot police, will be assembled mostly from twigs, chicken wire, spent shotgun casings and cow dung. His powers will include being able to lie very still, and coughing.
Medical engineers say the idea for building a bionic human with enhanced physical capabilities came from watching classic television reruns in the cafeteria of Harare's Angel of Zanu Mercy Hospital late one evening last year.
"We were very excited," recalled team leader Dr Ignatius Chirwa. "We had just watched 'Dallas', and we thought we might be able to construct a bionic replica of one of Charlene Tilton's breasts, using various meat products reinforced with canvas."
However Project Lucy as it was known was terminated immediately after the assembled doctors saw an episode of 'The Six Million Dollar Man'.
According to Chirwa he applied for state funding, and received exactly Z$6 million earlier this year.
"All we still needed was an almost dead male, who had been in good physical shape," said Chirwa. "And that's when fortune smiled on us, and one of President Mugabe's democracy squads brought us Major Mudenge."
Major Jubilation "Buck" Mudenge made headlines in 2004 when he became the first Zimbabwean fighter pilot to break the 150km/h barrier when he accidentally put his attack biplane into an uncontrolled dive over the Limpopo river.
He survived the incident, but allegations that he had been trying to defect to South Africa saw him arrested and severely beaten.
Asked if six million Zimbabwean dollars would be enough to guarantee Major Mudenge superhuman strength, speed and agility, Dr Chirwa said, "No."
"It doesn't go very far. In fact in American dollars it's about $29.34."
He said the money had been spent on importing two cans of Diet Coke from South Africa for the surgeons, and a shifting spanner.
"That was pretty much it," said Chirwa. "The rest we're sourcing ourselves, out on the dump."
However he said he and his team were looking forward to seeing Major Mudenge in action.
"He's going to be able to lie very still for superhuman periods of time, because we've removed his spinal cord. In fact he can lie still indefinitely, which could come in very handy in stakeouts.
"He can also cough really quietly, which would be great as a secret signal of some sort. In fact it's not so much a cough as a wheeze. Or a rattle. Yes, a kind of chesty wet rattle."
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