November 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 47
King Goodwill Zwelithini disappointed not to be king of more stuff
ULUNDI. Zulu monarch King Goodwill Zwelithini says he has become frustrated by not being allowed to condemn criminals to be eaten by hyenas, and has realised that being king of the Zulu nation is "not all that". According to court insiders King Zwelithini has become increasingly aware of his limitations after trying and failing to invade the Eastern Cape earlier this year.
Zwelithini is a direct descendant of such legendary Zulu monarchs as Dingane kaSenzangakhona and Cetshwayo kaMpande, but those close to him say he has become disillusioned with royalty as it has slowly dawned on him that he has almost no authority over anything whatsoever.
The abortive invasion and annexation of the Eastern Cape, codenamed 'Operation I Want To Be King Of More Stuff', began and ended on March 16 after Zwelithini was cautioned by Metro police officers outside Lusikisiki for parking an armoured vehicle on a blind rise, planting a flag in municipal land, and causing a disturbance by trying to herd livestock and women onto a truck while insisting they were "legitimate war booty".
Veteran courtier Chelmsford Mabena, 73, said that the king had been deeply depressed by the failure of 'Operation I Want To Be King Of More Stuff', but that he had cheered himself up in the months since then by finishing a scale model of the Battle of Isandlwana made out of Lego and elastic rubber bands.
However, said Mabena, the king had experienced a setback at breakfast this morning.
"A cockroach ventured onto the royal tablecloth and then trespassed into the royal porridge," he said.
"His Majesty ordered the interloper to spontaneously burst into flames to pay for its insolence, and when it refused to obey, and instead plunged into the royal mango juice, my king sank into noble despair.
"He then threw his spoon at the chef and demanded to know what sort of a king was not even obeyed by household pests."
According to the South African constitution Zwelithini's powers are limited to spending tax revenue on luxury cars and supervising ritual virginity testing, but he has also recently issued the Zuludollar, a currency printed in the palace stationary cupboard and used exclusively by members of the Zulu royal household for buying shoes and cars.
However Mabena conceded that the king and courtiers are apparently unaware that the Zuludollar has no monetary worth.
"We just don't have the heart to tell them it's not real," he said. "They're so happy throwing it around in the Treasury and making shopping lists."
Meanwhile the king has reportedly issued the South African government an ultimatum, demanding the power to sentence criminals to death by hyena, or to face being invaded as part of 'Operation Relocate To Sandton'.
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