November 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 47
Capetonian panpipe-maker disappears up own backside
CAPE TOWN. The wife of a Cape Town poet and panpipe-maker is in shock after seeing him disappear up his own rectum early this morning. According to Jade Flange-LeToit her husband Kyle-Rain had "always been a bit up his own bum", but she said that she was fearing the worst as he had been working on a series of sonnets called Moonblossom and might have gone in too far.
Kyle-Rain Flange-LeToit is best known for setting T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland to panpipes and performing it naked for seven hours at the Grahamstown Arts Festival in 1986. The performance was ended by Apartheid security police, who dispersed Flange-LeToit with teargas and purple dye at the request of poets and poetry lovers from around the country.
According to his wife, the failure of his 1998 collection of verse, Oh Earthmother, Why Am I So Talented When Everyone Else Is So Stupid? (which sold 9 copies, mostly at a fresh produce market Darling) plunged Flange-LeToit into a deep depression.
"He was always a little bit up his own bum," she said. "But when that happened he started staying up there for much longer.
"I used to try to coax him out with good reviews, mostly for his panpipe stuff at the local hospice, and usually that worked.
"But not this time."
She said Flange-LeToit had been working on a series of sonnets called Moonblossom, "about how important iambic pentameter is in 21st Century South Africa, especially in the townships".
"He was on Sonnet 94," sobbed Jade Flange-LeToit. "He always said that in poetry, quantity is more important than quality.
"There was this horrible sucking sound, and I rushed through from the conservatory where I had been pruning the bonsai oaks, and I saw that all that was left of him was his bum, spinning to a standstill on his chair."
She said that she had tried to call to her husband, but that she had stopped because "it was kind of gross, shouting into a bum like that".
Flange-LeToit's bottom will be examined by a leading proctologist this week with a view to sending in search-and-rescue teams by the weekend.
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