Hayibo.com - SA banks guarantee deposits, point out interesting bird

SA banks guarantee deposits, point out interesting bird

CAPE TOWN. South Africa's major banks have assured clients that their savings are safe and have promised to guarantee all deposits with promissory notes written on napkins, to be redeemed in Monopoly money or IOUs on bank stationary, unless otherwise stated in a non-binding agreement, maybe. When asked what this meant, a spokesman said, "Hey, look at that weird bird!"

The global economic crisis has made South Africans nervous about the liquidity of local banks, but this morning a spokesman urged the public to be calm, saying that the Four Families had arranged a meeting at the Cape Town docks and had come to an arrangement.

He said that bank godfathers and CEOs Guido "The Hammer" Calzone of ABSA, Frankie "Flowers" Flores of First National Bank, Sammy "The Brakpan Icepick" Carbonara of Nedbank and "Muscles" Vincenzo Caligula of Standard Bank had put aside their differences and had agreed to guarantee savings.

"Obviously there were some stumbling blocks in the negotiations," said spokesman Big Eddie Baloyi.

"Icepick Carbonara has never forgiven The Hammer for having his property economist strangled with piano wire last year, and of course Muscles Caligula is still sore that Frankie Flowers tried to take him out by selling him sub-prime loans packaged in a violin case."

However, he said, some of the bad blood had been put aside after the four godfathers agreed that property economists deserved to be strangled with piano wire as a matter of principle after their shameless inflating of the property bubble over the last few years.

According to Baloyi the agreement will cover all cash deposits at all of the Four Families banks, up to an amount of not less than and not exceeding R300 per client, per account, depending on their liabilities, credit record, and whether they have ginger hair or not.

"Basically deposits are safe as houses," said Baloyi.

He would not confirm or deny that he was referring to houses that had already been repossessed by the banks.

Asked how the system of IOUs would work and whether Monopoly money was legal tender outside Toys-R-Us, Baloyi pointed to the window and said, "Hey, look at that weird bird!"

Journalists pointed out that there had been no bird, and accused Baloyi of dodging the question. However the spokesman insisted it had been real, and ended the press conference so that he could "go outside and maybe see it again, because it was really really interesting".