January 2009 | Vol 1 | Issue 02
SA life expectancy lower than Iraq, but we have Garden Route
PRETORIA. Government has brushed off new statistics showing that South Africans have a lower expectancy than war-weary Iraqis. "Our people might not live that long," said spokesman Hotlips Mxenge, "but at least they can spend their 49 years in one of the most beautiful countries in the world. Which would you rather have, the Garden Route or Alzheimer's?"
The statistics revealed that South Africans have the shortest lives on the continent, with other Africans managing to live into their mid-50s before being claimed by hyenas, witches or AK-47-related illnesses.
According to Mxenge the leading causes of death in South Africa in 2008 were cerebral malaria, accidents involving electrical appliances dropped into baths, and attacks by swarms of bees.
He confirmed that HIV-Aids was a still a concern for the government, coming in as a 403rd most common cause of death, behind fatal attacks by dachshunds and spontaneous combustion.
However, said Mxenge, there was plenty to be upbeat about in the new report.
"The one year difference between male and female life expectancy is a love story for the ages," he explained.
"What we are clearly seeing is that when a man dies in this country his wife pines to death about a year later."
He conceded that this was also due in part to the fact that most South African women were chained to their kennels and would not be fed or watered once their husband passed away.
However he said it was important not to buy in to a defeatist and gloomy view of premature death.
"South Africans are really not missing out on anything by dying in their late 40s," said Mxenge.
"All that happens is that your teeth fall out, your children steal your money, and hyenas chew off your appendages in your sleep."
He would not confirm or deny that the ruling African National Congress would be campaigning in next year's general election under the slogan "A Better Half-Life For All", but he urged voters in their 40s to make a special effort to get to the polls while they still could.
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